The Olympians

It’s 2012 and it’s the Olympics in London,
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven’t got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
“McTavish, Scotland,” he says, “Discus” and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
“Waddington-Smythe, England ” he says, “Pole vault” and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. “O’Malley, Ireland ” he says, “Fencing.”

from Wendy & Noel Hickey

Mystery Man

Three scotswomen are walking home at night (they are neighbors) and find
a scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is
under the wagon and they can’t see who he is; however, they would like to
help him get home.
The first woman looks under his kilt and says, “It’s not
my husband”.
The second woman
looks under his kilt and says, It’s not my husband”.
The third woman looks under his kilt and says, “Why he’s not
even from our village!”

Jack Yule (heard at Spanish Peaks Celtic Fest)

Dub Grub

Sign in a Dublin shop: OReilly’s Kentucky Fried Chicken.
If Colonel Sanders had had our recipe He’d have been a general!

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and was about to answer the final question ” worth 500 points!”To be today’s champion,” the show’s smiling host intoned, “name two of Santa’s reindeer.”The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.” “Rudolph!” he said confidently, “and … Olive!”The studio audience started to applaud (which the little sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, “Yes, we’ll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain ‘Olive’?””You know,” the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer…”

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.”In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ”It represents a candle,” he said. ”You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said “you may pass through the pearly gates.”The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?” The man replied, “These are Carols.”

E. Perkins Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”The man said, “I do, Father.”The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?””Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.”Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

E. Perkins An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him.Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.”Arrgh! What happened?” the Leprechaun asked.”I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,” the golfer says.”Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?””Thank God, you’re all right!” the golfer answers in relief. “I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.” And the golfer walks off.”What a nice guy,” the Leprechaun says to himself. “I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want… a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.”A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods; and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.”Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,” the little guy says. “I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?””My game is fantastic!” the golfer answers. I’m an internationally famous golfer now.” He adds, “By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.” ”Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?””Why, it’s just wonderful!” the golfer states. “When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn’t even know were there!””I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how’s yer sex life?” The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, “It’s OK.””C’mon, c’mon now,” urged the Leprechaun, “I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?”Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, “Once, sometimes twice a week.””What??” responds the Leprechaun in shock. “That’s all? Only once or twice a week?””Well,” says the golfer, “I figure that’s not bad for a priest in a small parish.”

There was this fella with a parrot.His parrot would swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth was driving him crazy.One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!”But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.Then the guy gets mad and says, “OK for you.” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, The bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities”that would make a veteran sailor blush.At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes.Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet.At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door.The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.”The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?” 

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s”relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?”The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig.” I had him buried upside down……” 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning business flight.Not wanting to be the first to break the silene (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper… “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.”He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife had not wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”

A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted “Doctor! I think I’m skrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

from Conny Cones Sister Mary ran out of gas. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.”

sent by B. Obama Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee season opener sitting in the in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back , and shakes his head.The agent then says, “Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy.” Bill hesitates but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, “Okay, if that’s what the people want.” With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, “I’ll kill you! You *%$%**!!!…The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, “How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!”Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The agent replies, “Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first ‘Pitch’.

from E. Perkins Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt.His wife Mary was staring at him from across the room. She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?Flynn said, “Why would you say such a mean thing?””Well,” Mary said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…..it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

John Mullen of the Boulder Irish music session wrote: I am sending this on to educate and edify….Subject: Wine It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. WATER = Poo WINE = Health Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of crap. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service.

forwarded to us by Conny Cones A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ” I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Dammit, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?””Only when he’s been drinking.”

forwarded to us from Debbie McComick An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”The blonde opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, “Don’t look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.”